Love Gone Wrong: Domestic Violence

It was an ordinary day out with my mom. We had gone to this new place called "DEAL$" which is affiliated with Dollar Tree. We had an enjoyable time, as we always do when we bond going to a dollar store or thrift store. It's our thing. :)

After we were done shopping there, we decided to go eat some dinner. We went to Popeye's because I was craving their yummy fries and buttery biscuits. We had a perfectly lovely time as we ate, as we aren't able to do this often due to scheduling conflicts and tight money.

It was a perfect night... until we left Popeye's.

As we were walking out of the building to the car, to our left we saw a guy and girl messing around. At first, it looked as if they were play wrestling, like friends do. But as we walked in what felt like slow motion to the car, we witnessed a terrible crime - domestic abuse.

Violence that only feels that real when seen in person.

Time felt like it stood still. It felt as if we were watching a drama, except it felt much more real. Because it was. It was very real and it was happening right in front of us - we were witnesses.

We witnessed the guy slap and beat the woman until she said something he wanted her to say. He wouldn't ease up or let her go until she said what he demanded. Exactly what it was? We don't know, we couldn't make it out - all we could do was watch in amazement as our skin crawled.

We were standing by the car as she ran inside (she looked as if she was an employee there). I kept quietly telling my mom to get in the car because my instinct at the moment was to protect my mother as I didn't know exactly what she would do - she is outspoken and always wants to do the right thing and help others, especially in terrible circumstances such as this.

When we finally got in the car, we locked the doors and contemplated what to do. As we were doing this, the guy appeared to be fuming and talking to another employee (a man this time) who came outside. We don't know what they were talking about, all we knew was he was still there, waiting.

My mom said that her instinct was to yell and make a scene. But she was resistant because of what that could possibly turn into. She tried calling 911, only to realize she didn't even press send. By this time, we noticed the woman came back out and actually went to the car with the guy who was beating her up. She immediately said, "There's nothing we can do. The cops can only do something if she files against him." We drove out of the parking lot and around the block - that's when I insisted we go back and at least try to save her, help her, anything. I just couldn't live with myself otherwise.

We drove back to the parking lot, but it was too late. She was going to drive by as I got the license plate number and we were really going to call 911 this time. But like I said, it was too late. The vehicle was already gone, both of them in tow.

I felt so bad. I felt guilty, depressed, and ashamed that as a woman that couldn't even imagine how terrible that must be, I didn't do anything to help that poor individual. For the rest of the night, I just couldn't shake that feeling. My skin constantly felt like it was crawling, my insides felt shaky, and I felt the constant urge to cry. I talked with my mom and dad about the situation and they both tried to make me feel better by saying at least we went back right away and attempted to do something and that I wasn't at fault. Then they said how we couldn't help the woman if she wasn't willing to help herself, which is actually very true. Later that night, I prayed for her. I asked God to please give her guidance and strength to overcome this terrible situation. It was the only thing I could do at this point.

I write this blog post in hopes that it will help someone, somewhere. That's what I always aim to do on this blog. Domestic violence is wrong, anywhere, anytime. Whether it's a man beating a woman OR a woman beating a man (yes, it really happens) it's still equally as wrong. I understand that most times, men can very well do more physical damage to a woman than she can, but regardless, physical abuse/violence is never the answer and if it has become one, the individual inflicting this upon someone should get help ASAP. In the same regard, the person being physically, as well as emotionally wounded, should get help and leave the individual. I understand it's hard to leave someone you love but please realize, there are people that love you without having to hurt you - physically AND emotionally. We will always get emotionally hurt by someone we trust and love because it's inevitable. But physical violence should NEVER happen between the two of you.

I hope reading this story has opened your eyes about a very real, scary, and wrong situation that happens on a daily basis for many people. I am very lucky to say I have never had to experience the tragic situation of domestic violence and I hope I never have to. If you or someone you know have been affected by domestic violence and want to get help, (please do!) I have listed some helpful links below. Please give them a look and share this blog post and the links with anyone you think they will help. Thank you, as always, for reading and listening to my story. I really hope it helps lots of people in their search for recovery. God Bless.

A popular beauty guru on YouTube, Lauren Luke, raising awareness:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-XHPHRlWZk

Domestic Violence Awareness Site:

http://www.domesticviolence.org/

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence:

http://www.ncadv.org/

Remember to have a positive day! :)

Hugs,

Lauren

YouTube Videos + High School Drama = One Hot Mess

"It's not okay what happened to you, but it's not okay for it to wreck you."

Hey everyone! So I was recently told some really inspiring and happy news about something that involved a very tough time for me during the majority of my high school experience - and it regarded my makeup videos. I'm going to jump right into this story and get down to the nitty gritty stuff, so here we go! :)

It all started when I was 15. I developed a passion for makeup that was more than the average girl my age - and it seemed to come out of nowhere. I had always enjoyed the occasional lip gloss or blush, but it's like all of a sudden, I started to collect makeup, learn more and more about it, how to apply it better, and I wanted to share my passion with the world - and that's where YouTube came into play.

The username was (and still is) MakeupByLaurenAnne. I wanted it to be short, sweet, and to the point - something with makeup in it, and who was doing it. My first name is Lauren, middle name Anne. So it was perfect. (I was also at an age when I still didn't want my last name and face out on the crazy world called the internet)

February 22, 2009. That was when I first started my makeup account. For a good while, I didn't show my face in any part of the videos. I would set up a pretty, purple throw/blanket on my bedroom floor, prop my camera facing downward on my little $15 tripod, and press record. In my early videos, all you saw were my hands and arms as I showed the viewers the product I was talking about while you heard my voice. It's funny, because looking back, my voice sounds weird because it's behind the camera instead of in front of it. Oh well, it worked - for the most part. I always had those people who wouldn't stop pressuring me to show my face. I would get insulted and put down for not doing so - but I was not doing it until I was ready to. And I didn't. Until it came time...

July 21, 2009. That was the date that I decided it was time to show my face and start making videos that way. I'd like to make very clear that I did not do this due to any peer pressure or what people were saying - I simply grew up a little, wanted more views, and wanted to do what my favorite beauty gurus were doing, too. I even had the advantage of talking to my favorite makeup guru, emilynoel83, through private messages and she was so sweet, genuine, and helpful - it really helped me make that big, next step.

It got a good amount of views, for the amount of subscribers and viewers I had at the time, anyway. I was both very excited and extremely nervous. You just never know what people will say about you or how they will react to something drastically different.

Of course, I got a mixed review in the comments section. The majority of people, of course being my fans and supporters, supported me, told me I was beautiful, and were very happy and pleased with my presence in the video. And then there were the bullies that have nothing better to do with their lives than try to make others miserable. I was called ugly, fat, stupid, everything in the book - and to this day, still am. I'm not going to sit here and lie and say it never affected me, because it did. People on the internet can be as cruel as they want to be because they're faceless and have no reason not to be - so they can go all out and sometimes made me so upset, I would cry. I'm not ashamed to say this because let's face it - many, many, MANY people are affected by bullies - physical people and over the internet, alike - everyday.

Faceless defenders aside, there were also the ones who had a face and weren't afraid to show it, as well as their strong-minded opinions. See, I started making videos years before makeup videos, on my original account, LaurieGirlie101. I joined YouTube under this username on August 24, 2006, originally just to favorite videos and then it became much more. It's funny how one decision can literally change your whole life. I made random videos - of concerts I would go to, putting songs up for people to listen to, videos of my rabbit, you name it. That's also where I started makeup videos until I got a separate account dedicated to them.

Anyways, back to the bullies. The reason I explained my first YouTube channel is because I was on YouTube years before people I knew got word of it. But that's because they didn't see my face. Literally, I started showing my face on YouTube during the middle of the summer before sophomore year of high school, and on the first day (no joke) I was told by someone that they had seen my makeup videos. Honestly, when I was first told, I actually thought she was complimenting me and enjoyed them. But suddenly, it took a turn for the worst because she was one of the biggest bullies I had to deal with the next three years of my life. I guess she quickly spread the word and as all people who have been in high school know, word gets out quick and everything is taken the wrong way and spread around the wrong way. Everyone would tease me, mock me, say things I said in videos mockingly literally right behind me, laugh at me, and keep spreading the word. I was surrounded by fear and misery every day I had to go into that school because I would wonder who would stare at me as I walked down the hallway today knowing what they had heard or seeing my videos and how they would react about it, whether to my face or behind my back.

I realized a lot that first year and experienced lots of mixed emotions. I lost ones who I thought were my true best friends of several years. I learned who my true enemies were. I felt sad, angry, humiliated, threatened, and everything else you could possibly feel when you're faced with the issue of bullies and you feel like you need to deal with them alone. Even though I've moved on and I'm at a much better place in my life right now, having to recall all these emotions and memories still tears me apart sometimes - like now.

I had three main bullies. The first one was the one who came up to me that first day of sophomore year and I tend to believe she's what really started the fire. I will never know for sure, but I actually want to think she was just looking up makeup videos and came across mine and found that reason enough to start rumors and create misery for someone else, because that's what she did best and was known for by innocent people like me. The second girl (of course, they were all females) actually became more of a threat to me than the first one over time. She didn't do much that first year, but the last couple years she was a true threat. She even got my cell phone number through my ex-best friend who was friends with her (just shows I was obviously around the wrong crowd) and texted me several times pretending to be a guy, saying explicit and disgusting things, basically how "he" became aroused by my videos and wanted to do things with me. She remained a threat until the end. Lastly, I got a new bully senior year. It's as if a new main one developed each year since word got out. Mind you, my videos are innocent. I make sure to never swear in them, don't act vulgar in any way, and all I wanted to do was share my love and passion for makeup with the world as so many others are successful as doing as well. This last girl I never saw coming because I had actually been friends with her since middle school - not really good friends, but a friend I would talk to while in school and such. Her boyfriend ended up messaging me through my YouTube channel one day pretending to be her saying how she tried some makeup tips I gave in one of my videos and "her" boyfriend ended up breaking up with "her" because of it and saying nasty things. See, bullies don't think enough before carrying out their actions because I easily went onto her boyfriend's profile and saw his picture along with his name and age and everything, so clearly, I knew it had to be either him defending her or her through his YouTube channel, thinking I would be intimidated and wouldn't know who it was. I remained civil with her the remained of senior year, but never talked to her about anything personal again because she didn't deserve it.

Along with these three main bullies came their friends. That was fun. (sarcasm) The first bully brought along two of her friends for the ride. They actually ended up making a YouTube video mocking me and saying my full name and everything. They all participated in it. I believe this was either sophomore or junior year. This made me and my parents have enough. I had found this video through someone on Facebook and ended up watching only a bit of it before work one night and cried as I had to face a tough shift at work that night. Again, no shame in admitting this because I'm letting it all out there because I know there are so many people affected by bullies everyday and although it will never stop, there are ways to deal with it. My parents and I went to the assistant principle one day after school about it. Of course I was scared because I always thought bringing my parents into it would make it worse - a common worry of all who are bullied and threatened. But we did it and the next day, me and the three girls were called down to "talk" about it. The assistant principle apparently knew how one of the friends participating had bullying issues herself as well, and brought that up during the meeting. Honestly, I think that day did help with the friends. They never really bothered me after the fact. They also had to delete the video there in the office and if they were to post any again, they would get in trouble for it. However, it never really made an impression on the main bully. She continued to mock me, but I handled it as best as I could. I'd also like to include that actually, one of the friends of that main bully ended up genuinely apologizing to me about it during senior year, as we were placed in the same, small class, and inevitably had to work together. She actually ended up having her own problems with that main bully and ended up not being friends with her anymore. Isn't it ironic how karma can really come in handy, as well as change a person? Ever since, we've actually been sort-of friends. Not too close, but I've come to find out that she actually had her own problems with that person and it's almost like she brainwashed her. She's actually a pretty decent person, minus bully #1.

I actually forgot to mention another bully who appeared towards the middle-end of this 3-year run. She had such an ugly personality and it really showed. She was a little more threat than the first one, but less than the second one. (I hope you're able to keep track of who I'm talking about - I can't mention names, of course) When I had my first boyfriend, I went to one of his classrooms after school once where he had to make up an exam and I just sat near him and did some homework. Of course, she was in that room for some after school studying or something and wouldn't stop staring at me, giving dirty looks, and probably thinking my boyfriend at the time and I looked funny together. To make myself clear, I hated ever having to be around any of these people, but I had to attend school. No way was I going to let them make me transfer or live in fear of them - or rather, no way was my mom going to let that happen. It often took a lot of effort to even go to school, let alone hold my head up high and continue to get good grades, but she was always there to help me along the way, whether that include her or not.

I would like to make very clear that I continued to attend high school as I should, maintain my grades, participate in after school activities, get a job, and attend senior prom and graduation throughout all of this torture. I wasn't going to let them grasp my life in their hands. It was my life, no matter how they would impact it and it was my choice to bow down to them and please them in their bullying ways or to prevail and take charge of my life and enjoy it to the best of my ability. I had a really great senior prom (two, actually, as me and my second and current boyfriend went to different high schools) and walked across that graduation stage, in front of any and all bullies staring at me with whatever face and looked directly at my parents in the crowd wearing a huge smile on my face because that night was about not only them and everyone else, but it was also about me because I had made that milestone and graduated from high school as well. I must say, even though I still live in the same town because I commute to a community college, I never see them anymore as they have all gone their separate ways. It's even been a month of summer, when everyone comes home, and I haven't come across them in the grocery store or anything. I'm sure I will someday, and yes, it may affect me somewhat and make my heart skip a beat, but really, I feel a lot better. Looking back, if I had the strength I do now, I would have gone about things so differently and really stood up for myself. But we all know that when we're faced with difficult situations, looking back, we'd all like to make different decisions. But I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. But honestly, I'm still just so glad high school is over and I will never want to go back because of the experience I had. I just hope someday my children never have to experience the degree of bullying that I did. However, I am also fortunate that it never got physical and it was purely just talk.

So if you refer back to the beginning of this post, I said how I recently found out some happy news regarding something on this topic. My best friend actually ended up telling me she was talking to the boyfriend of this popular girl that she is friends with and he told her that his girlfriend and her friend actually really, genuinely enjoyed my videos. This honestly made me feel really happy while looking back at how miserable I was made to feel about something so innocent back in high school because remember, I never knew they enjoyed them. I assumed that everyone who got word of my videos enjoyed making fun of them, because that's all I experienced from anyone. I just honestly wish they would have told me during high school because that one positive comment about them would have made all the negative ones feel a lot less painful, honestly. But even my dad said that they probably didn't want to get involved and go against the crowd since they were popular. But oh well, finding this out actually made me really happy. :)

So now, I shall end this blog post of a positive note, which I've actually already started to do. First of all, just know that every trial must end sometime, someday. I'd also like to state that since graduating high school, I have been through much worse, real life problems, such as hurting my back at my job and having to face workman's compensation and getting terminated - that's a whole different blog post, but just know that everything must end sometime, both good and bad, and one day you will see how strong you became from that terrible incident. It isn't endless, though it may seem so at the time. You will also see how compared to what is to come in your lifetime, what you went through years ago is nothing compared to the real world. That's not to scare you, rather to show you that what we think is the worst possible thing at the time, really isn't, and again, every trial we must get through to get to the next positive stage in life. Another positive aspect of bullying and what happened to you, is it will make you wiser. People can't become wiser with age unless they experience things that change them forever, both positive and negative. Traumatic things, although they are terrible and in some cases, can haunt you forever, they do happen for a reason and it's amazing to see how if just one thing didn't happen in your life, that awesome thing that did happen after it, wouldn't have existed. Just remember that everything happens for a reason and oh, "just keep swimming!" ;)

Remember to have a positive day! :)

Hugs,
Lauren

P.S. This song has really helped me through a lot of tough situations, especially this one, and it's so true!

Fighter by Christina Aguilera

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PstrAfoMKlc

Lost Love & Bad Breakups

March 13th will forever be one of the most important dates of my life.

Why? Because it changed my life forever.

Let's start at the beginning, shall we? This blog post is going to be centered around one guy who will remain nameless. He was my first boyfriend.

It was my junior year of high school. I was 15 at the time and had still never experienced real love, a first kiss, or had my first boyfriend. But all hope was not lost - it seemed that my luck had changed at the beginning of that school year - or so I thought at the time.

I had chosen to take an art class called "Art Foundations" which basically means it's the lowest art class you can take in my high school. I figured, it relates to my love of makeup (haha, not really) and maybe it'll be a fun class as I was getting towards the end of my high school career.

The first, I'd say, month of class, nothing was really out of the ordinary. I sat near the door of the art room with a couple other people - the usual was three or four people per table. Then towards the end of September or beginning of October, the teacher decided to change seats. That's when I met him.

We became friends fast - we would talk about the most random stuff, laugh, and get along easily together. It wasn't long until I started crushing on him - hard. It maybe took a month, because by Halloween, I had fallen.

Now we should fast forward through some of the year. Not much else happened throughout the majority of the school year, because I had always been scared to admit my feelings to someone, especially because I'm a girl and it's less common. I had also had a bad experience with that the previous school year - my sophomore year. I had fallen for someone that eventually ended up asking me for relationship advice, to which I got really excited. But it ended up that he wasn't hinting to me that he felt the same way - but instead, he really wanted advice about another girl.

Anyways, back to junior year boy - I had slowly, but surely, been making sure to talk to him more often. I had actually observed that he started talking to me more often too - a gesture I thought at the time meant he liked me back.

Looking back, I was pretty obvious in letting him know I liked him. I would talk to him on Facebook chat frequently and I got the courage to ask him for "advice" on what I should do about someone I liked and told him details, like how I felt and how I thought the "mysterious boy" felt the same way towards me.

Here comes the week it actually happened. We were still talking on a frequent basis and I was still talking to him about the "mysterious boy". My school is notorious for having "bomb scares" and "fake fire drills" so that's what ended up happening basically all that week, everyday. It actually happened the day, Tuesday, March 9, 2010, when I was planning to tell him how I felt about him. Now, keep in mind, my art class was the last class of the day, so I thought I'd pull him aside at the end of class, when the bell rang and everyone was leaving. But my plan was foiled because of the stupid bomb scare. So it had to wait another two days. (My high school classes were every other day because they were longer than normal classes, so we had rotating days)

Finally, Thursday, March 11, 2010 came. I had been sooooo nervous all week and the day that I was finally going to confess my feelings finally came. But of course, it had to wait until last period. So my nerves were up all day. Of course, we had another bomb scare. That week was insane because we seemed to have a bomb scare or fire drill every day, literally. This made me so mad because I thought my plan would be foiled like it was on Tuesday. But, it wasn't. We returned to class after we had to wait outside for the fire department to search our school. I remember he was sitting across from me as we watched a video on how to start drawing facial features and had to draw them ourselves. My hands were shaking and my heart kept feeling like it was going to beat out of my chest. All I could think about was what was about to happen. Finally, 2pm came and the bell rang. I pulled him aside as our mutual friend from the class came to talk to us. She's such a sweet girl, but I wanted to tell her to leave at that moment because no one, even her, knew what was about to happen. She finally left and we were alone in the classroom, besides the teacher being across the room at her desk.

I told him I had to tell him something. My words were something like, "You know how I've been talking to you about that guy? Well... *nervous pause* he's you." Short, simple, and to the point.

I stood there staring at him as my heart sank and I waited for a reply. It was finally out there and couldn't be taken back, no matter what happened next. Finally, he replied with something along the lines of okay or agreement, but it was confusing on whether or not he actually felt the same. A few moments later, he had said something along the lines that he hadn't really thought of me in that way but would be willing to give it a try... or something like that. So I breathed a HUGE sigh of relief and hugged him, twice. I was beaming as I walked to my car, with him. It was the start of something great, or so I thought...

The next day came, Friday, March 12, 2010, and I had planned a makeup session with a close friend of mine. I was practicing some new looks, as I was an aspiring makeup artist, as some of you may know. Anyways, right when I parked at her house, I got a call from him. He asked me something completely random, like if I wanted to go to New York City. I was totally confused, of course. But he later explained to me it was about a class trip one of his classes was taking to the art museum or something. I ended up not being able to go though, because if you weren't in the class, you couldn't go.

Anyways, the big day came. Saturday, March 13, 2010. This was the day we had planned to meet at the public library for a little while after he got out of work. His boss kindly dropped him off at the library and he got into my car (which was really my dad's truck at the time) and we started talking. We showed each other pictures of our parents on our phones, talked about lots of random things, laughed a lot, and had a genuinely good time together. I was nervous the whole time because I didn't know what this meant, but I enjoyed it, none-the-less. We actually went into the library once, but that didn't last long as I just wanted to talk to him privately and alone to actually get to know him, personally. We ended up talking for about two hours in that truck. I'll never forget what he drew me. It was this drawing of his inner circle of family and friends kinda thing. He showed me where I was - which was very close to breaking down his wall of insecurities and letting me completely in. I felt so honored to have been in that place. I still couldn't believe in my head that all this was happening. I was maybe actually getting my first boyfriend - and then it happened. The time came when his dad came to pick him up, and we had to get out in the rain. He put the umbrella only over me, which I of course thought was so great because I'm such a hopeless romantic. We waited and we finally brought the subject of a relationship up. We mutually agreed to give it a try. So I ran back to the car as his dad pulled up - he wanted to tell him himself. I drove off, and I'll never forget that "good, good night" song, or whatever it's called, came on by the Black Eyed Peas. It really did feel like the best night ever.

Of course, we made it "Facebook official" almost immediately. Which meant, all our friends, including in art class, found out. When Monday came, that's all I was hearing. That they were right, knew it would happen, yadda, yadda, ya. It just got to the point where it was annoying... but either way, I was happy.

Now, something that is vital to know is he had really strict parents. So what we would do is stay after school with each other for a couple hours, until the "late bus" came, so he could go home on it (he didn't have a ride home - and I couldn't legally drive other people around yet) and he would tell his parents that he stayed after for homework. Once or twice, he did mention it was for me. But when it became a weekly thing, his parents didn't like it and didn't want him staying so much for something not school related. But I'll never forget the first time we stayed after - March 15th. That was the first day I knew what it felt like to be in a guy's embrace and it felt wonderful. I was finally going through all those little adorable steps of love that a lot of other people I knew went through. And it felt wonderful.

Let's skip forward a couple weeks. March 31st. We had stayed after together again, and we were roaming the halls and talking. We both felt it - that feeling where you want to take the chance with a first kiss. (Remember, we had never had another significant other before, we were each others' first) There was a moment in the hallway that would have been perfect - but we were both too nervous to do it. And I was that girl that always thought the guy should lean in first - but things change. As he walked me to my car, he had said how he wanted to kiss me really bad, but ended up not doing it. So I got in my car, watched him go around the building, and drove off. Thoughts were racing through my head, and I got a minute or two away from the school and pulled into my old preschool parking lot. I called and asked him if he was still in the front of the building. He said, "Yes." I said, "Stay there." and hung up. I immediately drove back to the school and pulled up to where he was. I got out, walked up to him and hugged him. While in his embrace, I said, "Do you still want it?" He asked, "What?" I replied, "A kiss." He said, "Yes." Then, without hesitation, I kissed him. We ended up falling over on the bench by accident that was right behind him, but it was the most exhilarating and exciting thing I had ever done. I took a chance and it made me so incredibly happy. We ended up kissing a couple times after that while we smiled and then I drove home, beaming ear to ear.

The next day was April 1st. April Fool's Day. So he came up to my locker, and like the gullible, unsuspecting person I always am, I didn't expect anything. He said something like, "You're a bad kisser." I was like, "What??" And he giggled and said it was April Fool's. It was adorable...

The first (and only) real date we had was when we went to go see "The Last Song" at the movies, on Tuesday, April 6th. He saw me cry during it, comforted me, kissed me - it was so nice. Now, I've never been the person to want to heavily make out and be all PDA in a movie theater, and I'm still like that. I just think some things shouldn't be all out there. But it was sweet and it was real. We went with his dad, though. His dad went to see another movie while we went to see this one. But the whole way there, I could see how his dad put way too much pressure on him with his classes and he even asked me things like, "Oh, that's not so hard, right?" and "He should be able to do better." It made me sad for him because that would be terrible to live with, in my opinion. His dad honestly intimidated me, though. So I was glad when we were finally alone.

A little bit after we had been dating for a month is when the relationship started to go sour. Little things that bothered me included the fact that he didn't believe in "pet names" like baby and such, which me being a total hopeless romantic, love stuff like that. But he just started becoming cold and the love was leaving his eyes. He wouldn't stay after with me much anymore, would stay on the phone for literally 2 minutes and have to go... things like that. We would start seeing each other in between class less... just everything started fading, and quickly, for no reason at all... he was indifferent, and even admitted to being so. He was ignoring me too much, and it was too much for me to handle.

Finally, April 30th, we were sitting in art class. We were allowed to listen to our iPods in class because it would help with our "creative process" so we would sometimes talk on the notes section of my iPod touch. We went back and forth this day and he ended up breaking up with me... I wanted to cry so bad. He walked me out to my car, for what I thought was going to be the last time. I held back the tears and hugged him one last time and got into my car as he ran to catch his bus. Then I started sobbing. I mean SOBBING. I had to drive in that. I felt like I was lucky to get from point A to point B without getting into a car accident. It turned out that later that night, basically like a few hours after the incident, he felt it was a mistake and wanted me back. But I didn't make it easy. Instead of just doing it on Facebook chat, I made him call and talk to me for well over an hour if he really wanted me back. And he did... so I took him back...

But the problems continued basically immediately after. The first couple days we were happy again but then he kept doing his thing. Another thing that really annoyed me was he would constantly be playing on his Gameboy. I even let him borrow my Nintendo DS once and he ended up breaking the part that connected the two pieces together. That's what I get, I guess. But he had such a sick obsession with that thing. When we would sit together at lunch, not only would he sit across from me instead of next to me now, but that thing was always in his face and he would barely acknowledge, let alone hold hands or kiss me.

Then a shocking night came. I've had a rocky relationship with my parents for a few years now, going through teenage angst and what not, so I called him May 22nd to try and talk to him to calm down. That ended in another 2 minute phone call, of course - which just made me more upset. But then, at 11pm at night that same night, I got a call saying to come outside. I was completely confused. Then I looked out the living room window to see his dad's car parked out front and he was at my door with flowers. I had NEVER gotten flowers from a guy before so it made me extremely happy, especially that it was so spontaneous, because I think spontaneity keeps the passion alive. He was only able to stay a couple minutes since it was late, but wanted to do that for me... so I was happy again - for a few days.

Finally, I had enough. I had to intervene. I went to the social worker's office and talked to her about the situation and how I couldn't even talk to him about it anymore and communication is key in a relationship - TRUTH. So she called him down to the office and left so we could talk. This is when he admitted that he had been indifferent, but like it was no big deal. We ended up bandaging the wound again and went separate ways to our classes.

But I had finally had enough.

On Thursday, June 3, 2010, I ended the relationship. I had the decency to do it in person, like I plan to do with any guy that would happen with ever. I have enough respect for people to break up with them in person, because we were in the relationship to start with, right? Anyways, I told him the morning to meet me at my locker at the end of the day and that he had to, because he hadn't been lately due to the deterioration of the relationship. He did, which was at least the step he had to do. Then I took him outside to this part of the school that we would talk in that was a little more secluded. I simply said that I still loved him but couldn't do this anymore and, "I'm breaking up with you." I said it outright to make it official. He had a shocked look on his face and simply asked, "Why?" to which I replied again, "I can't do this anymore." I went into a little more explanation but we had limited time as he had to catch his bus again. So we shared our last kiss and affectionate hug and went separate ways - this time for real. We mutually agreed to "stay friends", but it was never the same.

The next day, we were in art class and everyone had found out, once again, because now the breakup was "Facebook official". It was annoying and he told everyone to stop talking about it because it was none of their business - which I thought was at least a little kind because he could see how much it hurt me. Finally, he saw the hurt - but it was too late. He walked me to my car again because I wanted to ask him how he was. Apparently he was already "over it". That just made me angry and I left.

The next day, now Saturday, June 5th, I had to wake up and take the SATs for 6 hours. It was really bad timing...

A week after the breakup, Thursday, June 10th, I stayed after with him (as "friends") because we both had to work on some art work. I had been working on a very long letter to him that week and I gave it to him to read while I listened to my iPod outside. I couldn't watch him read it as I was too nervous. Basically, I was asking for him back. I'll never forget how he came out to me. He kneeled down in front of me, grabbed my hands, and looked me in the eyes with that look I thought had come back. But he told me he didn't think it was a good idea and that I'd find someone better for me. That day, I was upset and thought I'd never find anyone else. But looking back, I'm so thankful he said no.

Ladies and gentlemen: the purpose behind this story is that even though that first love seems like "the one" and perfect for you and that you'll never find another - you will. It may not be tomorrow, next week, or maybe not even next year. But live your life for YOURSELF until then, and even when you find someone else, never stop living your life for yourself, living out YOUR dreams, and making YOURSELF happy. You are the most important person in your life and you have to make sure to keep it that way.

Remember that every storm has to end sometime and there's a light at the end of EVERY tunnel.

I really hope I was able to help at least one person in the process of writing and publishing this personal blog post, because it was very hard for me to have to relive everything that happened. But I did it for you.

A break up is not the end of your life, but simply the beginning of it - and the beginning of something so much better!

Keep your heads held high - especially you, ladies!

Remember to have a positive day! :)

Hugs,

Lauren

P.S. I thought I'd include a few music videos that depicted this relationship perfectly. It was so hard to choose! Enjoy and remember: YOU CAN GET THROUGH IT, TOO!

No Surprise by Daughtry - One of my favorite bands! The beginning of this song sounds just like me, when I was preparing what to say to break up with him.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yyl24HRGgSU&ob=av2n

The Story of Us by Taylor Swift - This song depicts this relationship P-E-R-F-E-C-T-L-Y.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&NR=1&v=nN6VR92V70M

Complicated by Avril Lavigne - This song was on repeat so much! Why'd he have to go and make things so complicated? I don't know.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5NPBIwQyPWE&ob=av2e

Fifteen by Taylor Swift - This song is so true. Girls, there is so much more to live for!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pb-K2tXWK4w&ob=av2n

Side note: Me and my ex are friends as I write this blog, but it took a while to get to a comfortable place being "just friends" again. And I get sad every now and then that it's not like it was before the relationship, but that's life. I took a risk, and it literally changed my life forever because if I hadn't dated him, I literally would have never met my current boyfriend of 1 year and 8 months, Dylan. Now, a lot of people don't understand why we're still communicating at all - but that part is between just me and him. It's complicated - but the most important part is, I'm happy again. With lots of aspects of my life - and you can be too! :)