Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Lost Love & Bad Breakups

March 13th will forever be one of the most important dates of my life.

Why? Because it changed my life forever.

Let's start at the beginning, shall we? This blog post is going to be centered around one guy who will remain nameless. He was my first boyfriend.

It was my junior year of high school. I was 15 at the time and had still never experienced real love, a first kiss, or had my first boyfriend. But all hope was not lost - it seemed that my luck had changed at the beginning of that school year - or so I thought at the time.

I had chosen to take an art class called "Art Foundations" which basically means it's the lowest art class you can take in my high school. I figured, it relates to my love of makeup (haha, not really) and maybe it'll be a fun class as I was getting towards the end of my high school career.

The first, I'd say, month of class, nothing was really out of the ordinary. I sat near the door of the art room with a couple other people - the usual was three or four people per table. Then towards the end of September or beginning of October, the teacher decided to change seats. That's when I met him.

We became friends fast - we would talk about the most random stuff, laugh, and get along easily together. It wasn't long until I started crushing on him - hard. It maybe took a month, because by Halloween, I had fallen.

Now we should fast forward through some of the year. Not much else happened throughout the majority of the school year, because I had always been scared to admit my feelings to someone, especially because I'm a girl and it's less common. I had also had a bad experience with that the previous school year - my sophomore year. I had fallen for someone that eventually ended up asking me for relationship advice, to which I got really excited. But it ended up that he wasn't hinting to me that he felt the same way - but instead, he really wanted advice about another girl.

Anyways, back to junior year boy - I had slowly, but surely, been making sure to talk to him more often. I had actually observed that he started talking to me more often too - a gesture I thought at the time meant he liked me back.

Looking back, I was pretty obvious in letting him know I liked him. I would talk to him on Facebook chat frequently and I got the courage to ask him for "advice" on what I should do about someone I liked and told him details, like how I felt and how I thought the "mysterious boy" felt the same way towards me.

Here comes the week it actually happened. We were still talking on a frequent basis and I was still talking to him about the "mysterious boy". My school is notorious for having "bomb scares" and "fake fire drills" so that's what ended up happening basically all that week, everyday. It actually happened the day, Tuesday, March 9, 2010, when I was planning to tell him how I felt about him. Now, keep in mind, my art class was the last class of the day, so I thought I'd pull him aside at the end of class, when the bell rang and everyone was leaving. But my plan was foiled because of the stupid bomb scare. So it had to wait another two days. (My high school classes were every other day because they were longer than normal classes, so we had rotating days)

Finally, Thursday, March 11, 2010 came. I had been sooooo nervous all week and the day that I was finally going to confess my feelings finally came. But of course, it had to wait until last period. So my nerves were up all day. Of course, we had another bomb scare. That week was insane because we seemed to have a bomb scare or fire drill every day, literally. This made me so mad because I thought my plan would be foiled like it was on Tuesday. But, it wasn't. We returned to class after we had to wait outside for the fire department to search our school. I remember he was sitting across from me as we watched a video on how to start drawing facial features and had to draw them ourselves. My hands were shaking and my heart kept feeling like it was going to beat out of my chest. All I could think about was what was about to happen. Finally, 2pm came and the bell rang. I pulled him aside as our mutual friend from the class came to talk to us. She's such a sweet girl, but I wanted to tell her to leave at that moment because no one, even her, knew what was about to happen. She finally left and we were alone in the classroom, besides the teacher being across the room at her desk.

I told him I had to tell him something. My words were something like, "You know how I've been talking to you about that guy? Well... *nervous pause* he's you." Short, simple, and to the point.

I stood there staring at him as my heart sank and I waited for a reply. It was finally out there and couldn't be taken back, no matter what happened next. Finally, he replied with something along the lines of okay or agreement, but it was confusing on whether or not he actually felt the same. A few moments later, he had said something along the lines that he hadn't really thought of me in that way but would be willing to give it a try... or something like that. So I breathed a HUGE sigh of relief and hugged him, twice. I was beaming as I walked to my car, with him. It was the start of something great, or so I thought...

The next day came, Friday, March 12, 2010, and I had planned a makeup session with a close friend of mine. I was practicing some new looks, as I was an aspiring makeup artist, as some of you may know. Anyways, right when I parked at her house, I got a call from him. He asked me something completely random, like if I wanted to go to New York City. I was totally confused, of course. But he later explained to me it was about a class trip one of his classes was taking to the art museum or something. I ended up not being able to go though, because if you weren't in the class, you couldn't go.

Anyways, the big day came. Saturday, March 13, 2010. This was the day we had planned to meet at the public library for a little while after he got out of work. His boss kindly dropped him off at the library and he got into my car (which was really my dad's truck at the time) and we started talking. We showed each other pictures of our parents on our phones, talked about lots of random things, laughed a lot, and had a genuinely good time together. I was nervous the whole time because I didn't know what this meant, but I enjoyed it, none-the-less. We actually went into the library once, but that didn't last long as I just wanted to talk to him privately and alone to actually get to know him, personally. We ended up talking for about two hours in that truck. I'll never forget what he drew me. It was this drawing of his inner circle of family and friends kinda thing. He showed me where I was - which was very close to breaking down his wall of insecurities and letting me completely in. I felt so honored to have been in that place. I still couldn't believe in my head that all this was happening. I was maybe actually getting my first boyfriend - and then it happened. The time came when his dad came to pick him up, and we had to get out in the rain. He put the umbrella only over me, which I of course thought was so great because I'm such a hopeless romantic. We waited and we finally brought the subject of a relationship up. We mutually agreed to give it a try. So I ran back to the car as his dad pulled up - he wanted to tell him himself. I drove off, and I'll never forget that "good, good night" song, or whatever it's called, came on by the Black Eyed Peas. It really did feel like the best night ever.

Of course, we made it "Facebook official" almost immediately. Which meant, all our friends, including in art class, found out. When Monday came, that's all I was hearing. That they were right, knew it would happen, yadda, yadda, ya. It just got to the point where it was annoying... but either way, I was happy.

Now, something that is vital to know is he had really strict parents. So what we would do is stay after school with each other for a couple hours, until the "late bus" came, so he could go home on it (he didn't have a ride home - and I couldn't legally drive other people around yet) and he would tell his parents that he stayed after for homework. Once or twice, he did mention it was for me. But when it became a weekly thing, his parents didn't like it and didn't want him staying so much for something not school related. But I'll never forget the first time we stayed after - March 15th. That was the first day I knew what it felt like to be in a guy's embrace and it felt wonderful. I was finally going through all those little adorable steps of love that a lot of other people I knew went through. And it felt wonderful.

Let's skip forward a couple weeks. March 31st. We had stayed after together again, and we were roaming the halls and talking. We both felt it - that feeling where you want to take the chance with a first kiss. (Remember, we had never had another significant other before, we were each others' first) There was a moment in the hallway that would have been perfect - but we were both too nervous to do it. And I was that girl that always thought the guy should lean in first - but things change. As he walked me to my car, he had said how he wanted to kiss me really bad, but ended up not doing it. So I got in my car, watched him go around the building, and drove off. Thoughts were racing through my head, and I got a minute or two away from the school and pulled into my old preschool parking lot. I called and asked him if he was still in the front of the building. He said, "Yes." I said, "Stay there." and hung up. I immediately drove back to the school and pulled up to where he was. I got out, walked up to him and hugged him. While in his embrace, I said, "Do you still want it?" He asked, "What?" I replied, "A kiss." He said, "Yes." Then, without hesitation, I kissed him. We ended up falling over on the bench by accident that was right behind him, but it was the most exhilarating and exciting thing I had ever done. I took a chance and it made me so incredibly happy. We ended up kissing a couple times after that while we smiled and then I drove home, beaming ear to ear.

The next day was April 1st. April Fool's Day. So he came up to my locker, and like the gullible, unsuspecting person I always am, I didn't expect anything. He said something like, "You're a bad kisser." I was like, "What??" And he giggled and said it was April Fool's. It was adorable...

The first (and only) real date we had was when we went to go see "The Last Song" at the movies, on Tuesday, April 6th. He saw me cry during it, comforted me, kissed me - it was so nice. Now, I've never been the person to want to heavily make out and be all PDA in a movie theater, and I'm still like that. I just think some things shouldn't be all out there. But it was sweet and it was real. We went with his dad, though. His dad went to see another movie while we went to see this one. But the whole way there, I could see how his dad put way too much pressure on him with his classes and he even asked me things like, "Oh, that's not so hard, right?" and "He should be able to do better." It made me sad for him because that would be terrible to live with, in my opinion. His dad honestly intimidated me, though. So I was glad when we were finally alone.

A little bit after we had been dating for a month is when the relationship started to go sour. Little things that bothered me included the fact that he didn't believe in "pet names" like baby and such, which me being a total hopeless romantic, love stuff like that. But he just started becoming cold and the love was leaving his eyes. He wouldn't stay after with me much anymore, would stay on the phone for literally 2 minutes and have to go... things like that. We would start seeing each other in between class less... just everything started fading, and quickly, for no reason at all... he was indifferent, and even admitted to being so. He was ignoring me too much, and it was too much for me to handle.

Finally, April 30th, we were sitting in art class. We were allowed to listen to our iPods in class because it would help with our "creative process" so we would sometimes talk on the notes section of my iPod touch. We went back and forth this day and he ended up breaking up with me... I wanted to cry so bad. He walked me out to my car, for what I thought was going to be the last time. I held back the tears and hugged him one last time and got into my car as he ran to catch his bus. Then I started sobbing. I mean SOBBING. I had to drive in that. I felt like I was lucky to get from point A to point B without getting into a car accident. It turned out that later that night, basically like a few hours after the incident, he felt it was a mistake and wanted me back. But I didn't make it easy. Instead of just doing it on Facebook chat, I made him call and talk to me for well over an hour if he really wanted me back. And he did... so I took him back...

But the problems continued basically immediately after. The first couple days we were happy again but then he kept doing his thing. Another thing that really annoyed me was he would constantly be playing on his Gameboy. I even let him borrow my Nintendo DS once and he ended up breaking the part that connected the two pieces together. That's what I get, I guess. But he had such a sick obsession with that thing. When we would sit together at lunch, not only would he sit across from me instead of next to me now, but that thing was always in his face and he would barely acknowledge, let alone hold hands or kiss me.

Then a shocking night came. I've had a rocky relationship with my parents for a few years now, going through teenage angst and what not, so I called him May 22nd to try and talk to him to calm down. That ended in another 2 minute phone call, of course - which just made me more upset. But then, at 11pm at night that same night, I got a call saying to come outside. I was completely confused. Then I looked out the living room window to see his dad's car parked out front and he was at my door with flowers. I had NEVER gotten flowers from a guy before so it made me extremely happy, especially that it was so spontaneous, because I think spontaneity keeps the passion alive. He was only able to stay a couple minutes since it was late, but wanted to do that for me... so I was happy again - for a few days.

Finally, I had enough. I had to intervene. I went to the social worker's office and talked to her about the situation and how I couldn't even talk to him about it anymore and communication is key in a relationship - TRUTH. So she called him down to the office and left so we could talk. This is when he admitted that he had been indifferent, but like it was no big deal. We ended up bandaging the wound again and went separate ways to our classes.

But I had finally had enough.

On Thursday, June 3, 2010, I ended the relationship. I had the decency to do it in person, like I plan to do with any guy that would happen with ever. I have enough respect for people to break up with them in person, because we were in the relationship to start with, right? Anyways, I told him the morning to meet me at my locker at the end of the day and that he had to, because he hadn't been lately due to the deterioration of the relationship. He did, which was at least the step he had to do. Then I took him outside to this part of the school that we would talk in that was a little more secluded. I simply said that I still loved him but couldn't do this anymore and, "I'm breaking up with you." I said it outright to make it official. He had a shocked look on his face and simply asked, "Why?" to which I replied again, "I can't do this anymore." I went into a little more explanation but we had limited time as he had to catch his bus again. So we shared our last kiss and affectionate hug and went separate ways - this time for real. We mutually agreed to "stay friends", but it was never the same.

The next day, we were in art class and everyone had found out, once again, because now the breakup was "Facebook official". It was annoying and he told everyone to stop talking about it because it was none of their business - which I thought was at least a little kind because he could see how much it hurt me. Finally, he saw the hurt - but it was too late. He walked me to my car again because I wanted to ask him how he was. Apparently he was already "over it". That just made me angry and I left.

The next day, now Saturday, June 5th, I had to wake up and take the SATs for 6 hours. It was really bad timing...

A week after the breakup, Thursday, June 10th, I stayed after with him (as "friends") because we both had to work on some art work. I had been working on a very long letter to him that week and I gave it to him to read while I listened to my iPod outside. I couldn't watch him read it as I was too nervous. Basically, I was asking for him back. I'll never forget how he came out to me. He kneeled down in front of me, grabbed my hands, and looked me in the eyes with that look I thought had come back. But he told me he didn't think it was a good idea and that I'd find someone better for me. That day, I was upset and thought I'd never find anyone else. But looking back, I'm so thankful he said no.

Ladies and gentlemen: the purpose behind this story is that even though that first love seems like "the one" and perfect for you and that you'll never find another - you will. It may not be tomorrow, next week, or maybe not even next year. But live your life for YOURSELF until then, and even when you find someone else, never stop living your life for yourself, living out YOUR dreams, and making YOURSELF happy. You are the most important person in your life and you have to make sure to keep it that way.

Remember that every storm has to end sometime and there's a light at the end of EVERY tunnel.

I really hope I was able to help at least one person in the process of writing and publishing this personal blog post, because it was very hard for me to have to relive everything that happened. But I did it for you.

A break up is not the end of your life, but simply the beginning of it - and the beginning of something so much better!

Keep your heads held high - especially you, ladies!

Remember to have a positive day! :)


P.S. I thought I'd include a few music videos that depicted this relationship perfectly. It was so hard to choose! Enjoy and remember: YOU CAN GET THROUGH IT, TOO!

No Surprise by Daughtry - One of my favorite bands! The beginning of this song sounds just like me, when I was preparing what to say to break up with him.

The Story of Us by Taylor Swift - This song depicts this relationship P-E-R-F-E-C-T-L-Y.

Complicated by Avril Lavigne - This song was on repeat so much! Why'd he have to go and make things so complicated? I don't know.

Fifteen by Taylor Swift - This song is so true. Girls, there is so much more to live for!

Side note: Me and my ex are friends as I write this blog, but it took a while to get to a comfortable place being "just friends" again. And I get sad every now and then that it's not like it was before the relationship, but that's life. I took a risk, and it literally changed my life forever because if I hadn't dated him, I literally would have never met my current boyfriend of 1 year and 8 months, Dylan. Now, a lot of people don't understand why we're still communicating at all - but that part is between just me and him. It's complicated - but the most important part is, I'm happy again. With lots of aspects of my life - and you can be too! :)

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